Alone at night

January 13, 2008 at 12:39 pm (loneliness)

Still thinking about this blogging thing, reading other blogs just confuses me more:-)

Nice and quiet today, there seems to be no sign of the current drought abating, it will remain dry and hot.  Clouds put in an occasional appearance and sometimes there are even a few drops but it’s nothing to write home about.

Woke up alone last night, I still cannot get used to how quiet the house is when one is alone at night, well I don’t think it’s something I will ever get used to.  During the day it’s ok but nights and weekends really hurt.

And yet I feel that when I express the hurt I am ungrateful and that I should endure it quietly as the alternative is pretty vile.

So I wake up in the dark, I cover the windows so no light can come in, and I feel the isolation as tangible but usually it’s just my bladder chasing me around, so after the necessary trip I go back to sleep.  Often I am very grateful for the intrusion on my sleep as the nightmare/dream I was having was pretty unpleasant so waking up to escape from it is better than staying in that place.

Well that’s it for now.

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New Day

January 12, 2008 at 3:42 pm (life, loneliness, love, Uncategorized)

Well here I am, been thinking about this for a long time so here goes.  In choosing a name I decided on Khamisi it is Swahili for “born on Thursday” and Thursday’s child has far to go.

I will be turning forty soon and never thought I’d be alone but after four years I guess things will stay that way. This is not a blog about giving advice or even asking for it, nor am I seeking sympathy, it’s just a place to talk.

Where I live there is little social activity outside of church or bars and since I have absolutely no interest in either of those it means I pretty much just stay at home, not so easy to meet people.

 And boy am I scared of people, it must be me, but I cannot locate the issue, it just feels like no matter where I go or turn I manage to find the one person that will treat me the worst. I phone ahead to find accommodation, (current accommodation sucks) a random number to an estate agent or whatever in the phone book, yes they have a flat and yes it is available, the price is ok and the rent includes water but has a prepaid meter for electricity.  So I pack and move only to find out a few months down the line that my neighbours, who are no relation, or acquintance, or anything of mine have been paying the water bill. The neighbours have moved abroad and we did not keep in touch so I cannot even set things right with them. Boy was I pissed. And so on.

Not having anyone to talk to leads to some strange behaviour, at first you talk to your cats, then you start talking to the charachters on your favorite show on TV and next thing you know you are walking down the street talking to yourself and everyone thinks you are nuts. Not funny:-))

As for love, don’t know much about that, what I thought love meant and what it seems to mean are two different things. I spend so much time in self analysis that I fail to find the answers.

Thank you for reading.

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